At
least once a month one of my clients comes into my office upset about how her
date went the previous weekend. Either she feels she did something wrong or
worries that the guy didn't seem to be too interested in her.
For
the next 45 minutes we dissect the evening in question and I offer suggestions
on how to salvage a second date or I congratulate her on discovering that he
wasn't worth another chance.
Many
times though the problem lies with my client not understanding the purpose of
a first date. Too often women (and men) concentrate on such things has
compatibility, attraction and past relationship history. All of these things
are important but not for a first encounter. They are too in-depth for a
casual get-to-know-you conversation.
The
only thing a woman really needs to be concerned with is conveying her
femininity. This is the easiest and most reliable way toward making a good
first impression.
The
three keys to a great first date are; wear a dress, smile often and allow him
to speak first at the start of the date. Those three things will make him feel
masculine and he will naturally find you more attractive because the first
date is about being a girl, not revealing everything about yourself.
If
those suggestions seem silly or sexist then I am afraid you don't understand
men. Men like women in dresses, because it radiates softness making a man want
to hold and cuddle her.
Smiling
at him always makes him feel more attractive. Letting him speak first conveys
respect which is every man's greatest desire, even more than being loved. Show
him that you have the ability to be the woman he has fantasized about and he
will beg you for another date.
Once
you have gone out 3 or more times then you are free to let him get to know you
has an individual. Since you have shown him that you are every bit a woman, he
will be much more motivated to get to know you as a person.
Actually,
it’s pretty simple but most women have the hardest time with understanding
men. Deep inside the heart of every man is a secret wish to be
trusted. How many times have men said to their wives, “If you would just
trust me.”
Click
Photo!
Many men
wonder why it seems so difficult for their wives to do something so seemingly
simple. The answer stems from the physiological differences between the sexes.
It begins at
birth when little boys are given a distinct physical advantage over little
girls by having higher levels of testosterone. With testosterone comes the
physical strength to both defend themselves from danger and/or run away from a
threat.
Most little
girls don’t have that ability. They don’t have the strength to defend
themselves in a physical fight when they feel threatened. If a boy trusts
someone who in turn hurts them, they can always defend themselves physically
(or try to).
Little girls
don’t have that physical option of power. Since a person can only trust from
a position of strength, those same little girls will grow up into women who
naturally have a more difficult time “trusting” when they feel vulnerable.
So men, when
you ask the woman of your choice to simply “trust you,” it’s not that
she can’t, she’s just more vulnerable than you. If you want her to trust
you, she needs something that will help develop that trust.
Perhaps even
a tool or gesture that she can “count on ” until that trust with you is
established. Thankfully this tool already exist and is known by every woman.
What cultivates trust in a woman is a man who consistently keeps his word.
Making a
promise is meaningless if there is no follow through. A woman needs to SEE her
man fulfill his promises because seeing is always more powerful than hearing.
Allow me to
illustrate. Imagine someone told you that I was the meanest person they had
ever met. For months all you heard was how terrible I treated my family and
friends.
Then one day
you met me and during the course of our meeting you begin to notice that I
didn’t seem to be as horrible as you were led to believe. I actually
appeared to be rather pleasant.
Would you
change your entire opinion about me from one visit? Probably not! However, if
you saw me respond consistently with kindness and humility over a period of
weeks, your opinion of me would begin to change.
A paradox
has just been established. The kindness you have seen in me for the last few
weeks does not match what you have heard about me. All the rumors of how mean
I am begin to fade into darkness because of my consistent actions.
Over time
what you see will replace most if not all of your concerns about my character.
Men, when the woman you love sees your words lining up with your actions,
trust will naturally follow. When you don’t keep your word it causes your
wife/girlfriend to become fearful.
From her
perspective, she has entrusted you with her Heart and WANTS to trust you. She
simply needs your help in giving you what you want.
Years ago, there was a therapist I worked with named Susan. Susan told me she went to a seminar that a friend of ours named Steve was giving. Since she thought she may want to do similar seminars in the future about marriage, she wanted to see how Steve made his presentation.
So, Susan took her husband Dave and during the seminar, Steve made this statement: "What you call your spouse, they will become". Now, Susan had been married for 20 years, and when she heard this statement she laughed to herself as she leaned over to Dave and said, "Ha, skinny!" Dave leaned toward her, laughing, and said,
"Ha-ha, sexy!" After the seminar was over, she said to me, "Bob, I made it a point to try that, just to see what would happen.
For 10 years, Dave weighed 215 pounds, and hadn't been able to get rid of more than 5 pounds at a time, and then he got discouraged and gave up." So, Susan began to call Dave "skinny" and "slim" as the opportunities presented themselves. After 2 months, she asked him how his weight was coming, and he reported that he had lost over 18 pounds. She was amazed.
At the end of the story, I paused and asked her, "Susan, does Dave call you sexy?" She gave me a pained smile and said, "No." Immediately I thought to myself, "that's too bad because Dave probably has no idea what he's missed out on." It wasn't that Susan needed a makeover or that there was anything wrong with her at all.
Dave had missed out on an opportunity to influence his lovely wife. Notice what happened with Susan? She had to make it a priority to take the step. She didn't wait until she felt like it, or until she saw that Dave was doing it correctly. Instead, she was proactive.
She made a decision, and after that decision was made, she proactively and consistently pursued it until she got the results she wanted. What Susan stumbled onto is what I know about men-they want to be influenced by a woman! Some men are not good at receiving this, or at giving up power, but what most long to be married to a woman who shapes and molds them.
This type of influence does not feel threatening to a man. Susan was the same case. She would have loved for Dave to influence her, to shape her, to reinforce what he thought about her. Here was a seminar that gave Dave the perfect opportunity, yet he missed the opportunity.
